We know many of you don't watch Game of Thrones when it airs on HBO, instead choosing to save the episodes for one giant, hazy, weekend binge. And nothing goes better with TV binge-watching than binge-drinking. If you're ready to catch up on Season 3, check out our guide to getting wasted with the citizens of Westoros. Winter – and inebriation – is coming!
(Caution: Spoilers ahead. Also, you might want to avoid watching more than 3 episodes in a row while playing this game, unless vomiting and/or dying is your thing.)
-a copy of Season 3 of Game of Thrones
-your drink(s?) of choice
-the delivery guy on speed-dial
-an incredibly strong liver
Pick which Houses of Westoros you’d like to drink for. Do you want to support the wealthy Lannisters, whose animal is a lion and whose motto is "A Lannister always pays his debts"? Or what about the noble Starks, wolves who preach "Winter is coming"? Don’t forget about House Targaryen, with its kick-ass sigil of a three-headed dragon breathing flames. Or maybe you want to be like Jon Snow and renounce all houses to support the Night's Watch, a military order filled with outcasts and criminals who guard the kingdom against the horrors beyond The Wall. The house you follow will determine what you’ll be drinking. All Houses must drink when a character dies, draw a sword or have sex.
House Lannister’s Drink: A half pint, in honour of the impish Tyrion
Jaime: Guys, you’re not going to believe it, but this is the season that will make you fall in love with the king-slaying sister-boinker. For reals. It’s impossible not to become emotionally invested in his struggle to return to King’s Landing (and his deepening bond with his glamazon travel buddy, Brienne). Take a drink every time Jaime does something that makes him less of a jerk.
Joffrey: Just when you thought the child prince couldn’t be more of a dick, he goes and ups the ante this season by confirming that he’s also homicidal maniac. His poor treatment of Sansa last season was just the tip of the woman-hating, psychotic iceberg. Down a shot every time he you feel like punching the brat in the face.
Tyrion: We all know Tyrion is awesome, but Season 3 shows him at his awesome-est. He becomes Master of the Coin, attempts to do right by Shae while being forced to marry someone else, and continues to put his family’s wellbeing before his own happiness. Honour him by taking a drink whenever he says something incredibly witty (so basically every time he’s onscreen).
Cersei: The Queen Regent slowly watches the power slip from her fingers as her father resumes control of the family’s power plays, her son ignores her advice when choosing his new bride, and she’s forced into a match with someone much less attractive than her brother/lover. Take a shot every time Cersei’s trademark smirk turns into a pout.
House Stark’s Drink: Whiskey neat (which, like the Starks, is classic, dependable and no-fuss)
Arya: Still on the run, the youngest Stark daughter is now less concerned with finding her family and more concerned with trying to escape whichever outlaw happens to be holding her hostage this week. Oh, and she’s also going through a bit of a teen goth phase. Take a shot every time she says something angsty like “Death is my God!” (Feel free to accompany that shot with a fist pump ‘cause this little girl kicks some serious butt this season.)
Theon: Poor Theon. After betraying Robb, his adopted brother and BFF (and possible soul mate? amirite?), he ends up being saddled with one of this season’s most boring storylines. Even his near-constant state of nudity can’t hold our attention. You’ll need to take a drink every time he appears onscreen just to keep from falling asleep.
Bran: Meet the only character with a storyline worse than Theon’s. Not only does Bran still have to be carried everywhere and endure increasingly prophetic dreams, but the kid who plays him is going through a truly awkward stage of puberty. Take a shot every time his voice breaks.
Everyone must chug for 10 seconds at the end of the 9th episode.
The Night Watch’s Drink: A hot toddy, to keep you warm north of The Wall
Jon Snow: The bastard son of Ned Stark tries to leave the Night’s Watch behind for the wildlings, but things aren’t exactly going as planned (unless he planned to be constantly getting his ass whooped). Take a drink whenever someone beats up Jon Snow. Take two drinks if that someone happens to be a girl.
Ygritte: Our favourite fiery wildling teaches Jon Snow some clever ways to stay warm north of The Wall. Take a shot whenever she says, “You know nothing, Jon Snow!” (Take an extra shot whenever that statement is interrupted by crazy cave sex.)
House Targaryen’s Drink: Fireball shots, in honour of the Mother of Dragons
Daenerys: Dany spends the bulk of the season visiting exotic locales, where she frees slaves and builds her army. Take a shot any time she suddenly starts speaking a foreign language. (Seriously, who slipped this girl a copy of Rosetta Stone when we weren’t looking?)
Jorah: Have a shot every time Daenerys’ most trusted advisor looks longingly at his precious “Khaleesi.” If/when these two finally get it on, be prepared to chug!
Want more? Watch out for these sip-able moments:
-Drink every time you see a bare bum. There’s a heck of a lot of bare bums this season.
-Drink whenever Sansa is stupid enough to think she’ll be allowed to leave King’s Landing.
-Drink whenever new character Lady Olenna reminds you of Maggie Smith on Downton Abbey.
-Drink every time Littlefinger and Varys pretend to have a pleasant conversation, but look like they’re hoping the other one gets beheaded.
-Drink whenever a character is forced to get married.
-Drink every time anyone loses a limb.
-Drink whenever Tywin uses his children as pawns.
-Drink anytime Meera and Osha bicker.
-Drink every time Stannis smiles. Just kidding! That’ll never happen.