Jessica Day (Zooey Deschanel)
"Schmidt's like Ellis Island in the 1800s. He accepts everyone."
"Everything I know about sex, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial."
"I like moving slow. I like being weird and taking my time. I'm not like you. I don't just jump in the potato sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes."
"You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?"
"I don't go on dates very often. Guys my age always wanna skip the date and just go right for the gold. Which I don't give them because I'm stingy with my gold. Unless they dig for it."
Schmidt (Max Greenfield)
“Without sex, she’s not your girlfriend. Okay? She’s a friend you buy meals for.”
“I’m stressed out all day long. It’s like you’re ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga.”
"I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"
"I hope you appreciate that I have kept eye contact with you this whole time and made no reference to the fact that you are basically naked."
"Coincidentally, I'm wearing my lap dance pants."